I am currently sitting at my desk in Nashville TN with a second cup of hot coffee, surrounded by tax documents and notebooks filled with ideas, to-do lists and practice signatures. Yes, I still do that. The skies have been cloudy here for far too long and I’ve been wiping up dog vomit (as it comes) for over a week. Joe is immersed in classes, books and marathon training, which leaves me with my own thoughts and musings most days. We connect each morning before he leaves for school and a little bit before I fall asleep and he burns the midnight oil with countless pages of reading. Our lives are glamourous and anything but. This time in our lives feels aimless and anything but.
What am I saying? Forward progress is not a constant. But for some ridiculous reason, this world has deceived us into thinking we are nothing if we are not achieving. I hate that, the hustle and the grind. I am guilty of both, yet I feel a change coming. I finished Wild last week and immediately started reading The Bird Market of Paris. Downtime is not something that comes easy for me, or most. And the feeling of ‘not achieving’ on a daily basis can be crippling.
I was asked “How is Nashville?” the other day. My response “It’s like being forced to meditate.”
I’m not sad, I’m neutral. Learning to be in a neutral state is hard. The negatives, like having a sick pup and eating dinner on your own, can easily feel overwhelming. But learning to appreciate your life in the neutral times makes you even more grateful for the ups and downs. Yep, thankful for the downs in life. Thankful that I can be a support system for Joe as he studies every book in the entire world (that’s what it feels like). Thankful that Walter has a constant companion for his sick days even if it means following him around as vomit patrol.
I’m in a phase of unknowns, and I’m learning to love the now.